You are with me

You were with me as I cried last night so much for counting sheep

My thoughts were  running rampant and it was hard for me to sleep

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An open letter to M! Baby I love you!

M, my love, I want you to know that since the day we met I’ve fallen deeply in love with you.  There are no words to express the feeling I feel in my heart the day you came into my life.  You make everyday in my life so special.  You are my life, my heart, and my soul.

Count the number of times I have said I love you!:P 

You are my best friend, my one and only true love, and my everything.  I love you more today than I did yesterday, and I’ll love you more tomorrow than I do today, and this cycle will always go on in till in the day I die and still, it’ll continue.

Loving you is the only thing that makes life worth living.  Day by day, my love for you becomes overwhelming and I cant handle it when I don’t get to talk to you.

A day without you in my life is like a day without sunshine, a day without food, or a day without air.  I need you in my life to keep me happy babe.  You make me feel wonderful.  You give me strength when I just can’t carry on and I truly treasure that.

I was scared to love you at first, out of fear that I would end up getting hurt, but I did and its the best thing I’ve ever done :* :* :* I love you with everything I have

I apologize straight for my heart for being so difficult.  I know I get jealous a lot and overreact and I’m sorry for that.

I thought that I would never find a love that is as strong as ours, but now that we’ve found each other I know that you are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with the person I want to marry, the person I want to have babies with, and the person I want to grow old with.

Baby, you complete me.  You make my life so amazing and I don’t know how else to repay you but to love you just as much as you love me.  The world is a better place for me because of you.

You make me feel beautiful.  Thank you for giving me so much more than I ever could have wanted.  I am so thankful for what we have, and for every thing we will have.  You are the only man I ever want to share my life with.  I could never imagine what it would be like if we were to lose each other.  I don’t even want to think about it.  All I want to think about is you.

M, you are the love of my life.  I love you. I always will love you until the day that I die.  Hopefully, when that day comes, I will still have you by my side and you face will be the last face that I see.

Baby I see my life with you! Growing old together!

When I’m older I’ll look back at the ways we argued about things that were so insignificant and we’ll laugh  and know that our love was strong enough to overcome over argument.  I just want you to know that I’m thankful that you came into my life and I will love you till the end of my days with everything I have.  My love for you will never fade, I’ll always be crazy about you, baby.

I love you from the tip of my head to the tip of my tiny toes. ❤ ❤ ❤

Your everything I look for and more. When I first hugged you I knew you were special.  I could never be able to think of being without you. You make me so happy. More happy than ive been in a long while. Just the thought of you makes me smile. and when Im with you I feel like nothing can ever bring me down.

And when your in my arms and I know your safe I never wanna let go.

I always thought that dreams were just dreams, but you made them all come true and even better, you are building new dreams with me!!!  I can not thank you enough for being more than perfect because you showed me that even all the things that seem wrong are actually opportunities to work on them together and bring us closer. . . like me assuming 😛 😛 😛

No matter how far you are and no matter what you do, I always want you to know how much you mean to me, and how much I truly love you and how much I will always be your forever.

I love you so much and I wish I could be there to hug you and kiss you all day and night but for now whatsapp/Skype will work :* :* :*  But know that you are a big part of me and I think of you all the time.

I love you, and I’ve loved you from the time I took my first breath, because I believe I was made for you and will be your for all eternity. . . ❤ ❤ ❤

Although its been just less than 1 year and we are still fondly in each other minds, souls, and hearts.  Before I met you I had no idea what love really was until my heart truly started aching for you.  I never knew someone could actually steal my heart and make it his, but I guess I was wrong because you have it and I’m glad its you 🙂 🙂 🙂  I long for the day I can finally look into your beautiful blue eyes and tell you how much I love you and how much I need you. you are amazingly beautiful in every possible way. One who can always make my tears going away just by smiling or telling you you love me

Seeing you every day is going to be the biggest blessing to my heart knowing you are in touching reach of me.  You are my every heartbeat, my every gasping breathe of life.

I know one thing for sure. . .M, I love you and want to show you in in every possible way but sometimes I cant seem to do it considering we are miles and miles apart but then I think. . .us not giving up on each other because of distance is showing is every single second, minute, hour and day ❤ :* ❤ :* ❤ :*

I try to find the words to tell you but I cant seem to find the perfect way to explain how I feel about you which I guess, is a good thing. . . actually, it is a good thing because it just shows how much I love you. :* :* :*

I feel so comfortable with you babe, before you I would’ve never just gone on the call with you and eat and show myself after I just woke up with my hair a mess and no makeup and in other conditions that we don’t need to talk about on here, hehe uhm but, with you it’s different, I know that how ever I look you will always find me beautiful :* :* :* And I thank you for that babe.

You care about me so much and you may not think you show it but you do, its the little things that mean the most.

It just shows that you do think about me constantly and that I’m always there in your mind :* :* :* It just made me smile when you told me that this morning.  :) :) :)

I know I do things that annoy you and I’m sorry and ill work on not assuming things and stuff!!!  Just like you said, to work out the kinks and make our relationship stronger and better :* :* :* I think us telling one another if we do things that absolutely annoys one another will be good and make us a stonger and better couple, which is want I want for us. :* :* :* Nothing will ever destroy us baby, I Pinky Promise you from the bottom of my heart

When I’m not brave enough to go through life, you’re always there to back me up. When I was shy to face others, you stood by me. When I was scared and nervous, you calm all my fears and worries with your care and love. I’m blessed to have you and I wish you the very best that life has got to offer today. I love you always.

When I’m knocked down to earth with uncertainty of life, you’re always there to uplift my spirit and heart with your words of wisdom and encouragement. I’m blessed to have you and I wish all your dreams come true for you. I love you till the end of time.

you are amazingly beautiful in every possible way. One who can always make my tears going away just by smiling or telling you you love me

No length you can’t go just to see my face brighten up. Each time I am with you, I feel like a princess and a queen to be. I am glad to have someone as caring and loving as you are and I cherish you so much, my prince charming. I love you beyond the stars.

With you in my life, I’m stronger when I’m weak, because your love is always there to rejuvenate me. I’m better at my worst, because you never leave me to my ruins, but always inspires me to never tap out when the going gets tough. You came into my life at the moment when I was at the edge of giving up on life and on myself, you’re really my heaven sent. I love you so much, handsome.

When I say “Thank You,” I mean it with all my heart, because I couldn’t find any words to describe how grateful I am to have you in my life. No matter what I say or do, I know it will never be enough to appreciate you for all you’ve done for me, not to mention the ones you’re doing presently and those I’m sure you will still do later on. All I can say to you, my love for everything is THANK YOU!. I love you beyond words.

My future is bright and beautiful because I have most caring, loving, understanding and supporting woman in my life. Each and every day is full of fun, expectancies and opportunities because you’re in my life. You’re my irreplaceable and I’m blessed to have someone as special as you are. I love you more than you know.

Your presence comes with unspeakable joy and happiness in my life; you came and add beauty to my life and you showed me how to love and live, rather than just existing. You turned out to be the answers to all the questions wandering around in my heart. Thank goodness that our path crossed and I cherish you always. I love you so much, my dearest.

 Because I have you, my mornings are always beautiful and awesome; my afternoons are always colourful and exciting and my nights are always peaceful and relaxing and quiet. Because I have you, my life is amazing and wonderful and I cherish every moment with you. I love you more than love itself.

 

No word would best describe how much you mean to me and how much I love you so much; there is no word yet on the English dictionary to express the depth of my love for you; no word to express how blessed I am to be with you and there is no word to best appreciate you enough. I love you so much and I wish you the very best that life has got to offer today.

Today like every other day, my prayer for you is that, your morning be full of expectancies and awesome things; your afternoon be colourful as the rainbow and lovely as your beautiful face and your night be relaxing and cozy. These and many more I wish for you today and always. I love you tenderly.

Ever since I met you and you came into my life, my morning starts with a sweet and beautifully written good morning love notes from you, my love. And when I don’t get to receive one of it, my morning seems as if something is amiss. I’m glad to be with you and I bless God the day our path crossed. I love you more than you know.

What more can I say than to thank God for making our path crossed and bringing you into my life, heart and world. You happen to be all that I ever needed and wanted in life, and I’m glad that you’re mine. Thanks for being real with me and always being there for me. I love you to the moon and back, sweetheart.

You’re the one person whom I have loved and cared for so much more than words could express. Even when there was no reason to, I still loved you like I have never been hurt before. I still trusted you like I have never been betrayed before. And I still cared about you like I have never been rejected before. You’re my dream come true, sweetheart and I cherish you forever. I love you beyond the stars.

Make sure you open wide your arms and embrace all the goodies – blessings, peace of mind, joy, happiness, laughter, forgiveness, grace and love, that God has in store for you today. And also remember to share it with everyone that you come across today and always, because there’s love in sharing, just as you’ve shared your life with me. I love you so much more than you could ever imagine.

I can confidently say without an iota of doubt that you’re my muse. Because not a single day goes by without me yearning for your tender touch and reminiscing about you and your love for me. Even when you’re a thousand miles away, it seems like you’re right next to me, because you’re always in my thoughts.

With the way you cherish everything about me and always seek out for the best in me, I’d be a fool not to fall in love with you. Even when there was a thousand reasons to give up on me and leave me to my ruins, you always have a reason not to. I’d be a bigger fool if I had lost you to another at some point when I pushed you away rather than embrace you tightly, cherish, respect, honor and love you. Thanks for seeing the best in me and for not giving up on me. I love you more than love itself.

Asking me to describe how much you mean to me or how much I love you, is like asking me to explain a copied assignment because I just can’t explain it. You mean more than words could describe and I love you more than word could ever express. You’re the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me and I’m honoured to have you. I love you beyond words.

Most importantly, you don’t need to compete with anyone because you deserve it all. My body, mind, and heart are for you alone. My care, love and support are for you, my bae. My time, energy and resources are all yours. And by now you should know that you deserve a perfect gentleman, you don’t need to compete with anyone for it.

My days always start with being grateful to God for making our path crossed and bringing you into my life. And it ends also with being thankful that I am blessed with someone as beautiful and caring as you are. What more can I say than thank God for bringing us together? I wish you the very best that life has got to offer today and always. I love you so much, my dearest.

You’re simply the best from the rest, because each and every time you had reasons to stay mad at me for so long, there’s always a reason not to. You cherished and loved me and erased the thought of ever been hurt before. Your kind is truly rare and I’m honoured to have you in my life. I love you so much, my king.

Amidst all the challenges we’ve been through together, they seems to make us stronger than ever before rather than break us apart. The ups and downs of life made our love for each other to grow deeper and blossom more, rather than fade away with the sand of time. While the uncertainties of life made us trust and believe in each other much more than ever. I love you to the moon and back.

Your love is like the eyes on my face that helps me to always see the best not just in me alone, but in others also. And your love is the light that shines brighter and brighter on my path, because your love is the lamp to my feet. And during my darkest hour, your love illuminate my life and I’m glad to have someone as special as you are. I love you beyond the stars.

The saying that “Change is the only thing that is Constant” is so true, because everything about me changes the moment I met you, then I fell in love with you and you came into my life. I stopped believing in dreams not much of talking about it a very long time ago, but your presence put a halt to that. And because I have you, my dream keeps unfolding each and every day. With you, all my dreams are sure to see the light of the day. I love you so much, my prince charming.

Your presence comes with unspeakable joy and happiness in my life; you came and add beauty to my life and you showed me how to love and live, rather than just existing. You turned out to be the answers to all the questions wandering around in my heart. Thank goodness that our path crossed and I cherish you always. I love you so much, my dearest.

I need to write these blogs about you, me and us more often, I Enjoy talking about you, I could make these things go on for ever and ever but on every blog. . . moral of it is, I love you more than anything

I love you BECAUSE despite me being a meanie more often than I should, you still love me back.

 

I love you sweetheart, M

The Day I was Complete

Initially I wanted to hold off writing about the story of how we met, because I didn’t want people to diminish the message I have to share because we have not been together long (in Earth time anyway).

However, the truth is that even though he and I have not been together long, it feels like we have known each other all along. (And I’m not saying it in some teen-girl-fantasy way; I’m saying it in a matter-of-fact fashion.) We may well have been lovers or deeply connected in our past lives, because our connection transcends beyond any connection I’ve ever known or dreamed possible.

I never knew that such a perfect person in him could exist, much less wind up to be my life partner.

If “soulmates” mean two souls having an unexplainable affinity for each other be it mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually, then that’s what he and I are to each other — soulmates, on all levels.

Here goes. :)

Before meeting him, I had a relationship where I did not exist and I always thought because I wasn’t appealing enough or that I lacked male attention.

I wanted to be with someone I truly liked and felt valued with and saw a future with, rather than just get together with some guy I didn’t feel strongly for.

However, things simply didn’t work out, and I was very hurt in one of the cases. I tried to simply move on after that. Each episode helped me to become more aware about what I was looking for, what would be a compatible person for me, and look forward to whoever I was going to meet next.

I felt I owed it to myself to give love a serious stab because truth be told, I had been putting love on hold all my life. I would always play lip service to the idea, pretend that I wasn’t interested in love or say I was busy working on other things when deep down, I really wanted to meet someone and feel valued for. 

During this period, I learned much about myself and what I seek in a relationship partner.

Also, I am actually very widely socialized compared to the average person

Revelation: Self Over “Finding” Love

This was when I realized, Regardless of how much I want to share my life and be with someone conscious, I should never alter my personal agenda in blind pursuit of love, because that would be repressing my real self to find something that isn’t supposed to define my life to begin with.

If I want to be with someone who matches me, then I need to first live my life, do my thing, and just be me, I thought. If I meet compatible guys along the way, then that’s great and I’ll be happy to date and explore a relationship together and all. However if I don’t, then… so be it. I’ll still be perfectly happy 

After a lifewrecking heartbreak, this was when I literally decided that I am done looking for love. I thought, From now on, I’m going to just live my life and do my thing, partner or no partner. Even if I am to remain single forever, that will be fine too. Maybe romantic love isn’t in my path for this life, and I will meet someone special in my next life.

Whatever happens, I will always have my dreams, my life, and  my purpose. These will never change and these are the things I’m going to do for the rest of my life, whether I’m in a relationship or not. These are the things that will always fulfill me in life.

The Emergence of Someone I had barely met

So two weeks passed.

One night, I was watching TV , I took a quick glance at my phone to check my messages. I had received a facebook requests from one of the person who was in common friends with someone I knew.

I just brushed it aside,thinking that it was a run of the mill request, pleading me for my time (a usual go-to-attitude of guys approaching me)

As days passed, I noticed despite of everyone giving up on the incessant ignorance from my side, this guy never gave up.

This was when I saw an incoming message from an unknown number:

M: An Acquaintance?

So here’s a recap: Lets call him M, M was not an acquaintance, however I felt that he had known me for a long time. He knew what was going on in my life, greatly took interest in things I did, never expected a response from my side since I always kept him at a distance at all times. He reassured the fact that I take my sweet time in taking my time to observe him, understand him, see if he matches my wavelength as a friend to begin with

As times went by, we texted and texted and came close

First Encounter

The first time we met, he was the tall, dark, and handsome M who drove some 100 miles across from the city just to see me.

The moment I saw him, I felt the angels whispering, “Perfect”. The spark was definitely there but we exchanged no more than five lines in total before we started opening up to the conversation on different topics.

The funny thing was that when he dropped me to the office, there was a sudden urge to see him again, an urge to speak to him, an urge to be with him. I cannot deny it was something uncontrollable attraction, I felt my heart pounding faster , something was drawing him closer to me or I was being led drawn to him. I knew it instantly that it was something nothing short of magical, something was about to happen, something big, something larger than life itself.

Initial Skepticism

So when I saw this out-of-the-blue message from this guy, my first thoughts were skeptical at best. I immediately thought,

Why is he suddenly messaging me?

I guessed he had saved my number I had given him before, just that he had never reached out.

I didn’t understand why this guy was contacting me out of the blue. But honestly speaking though, there was nothing wrong with his message — it was genuinely nice and warm. Not only did he bother to check my facebook and instagram to see what I was doing BEFORE messaging me, he took note of the fact where I was, what I had for dinner .I mean seriously, who even does stuff like this nowadays?? Many people are not capable of such sensitivity and kindness.

I smiled. How rare that a guy would be so open in sharing, I thought. It seemed he was sincere in conversing. Plus, he spoke about my work and I thought that was sweet. He seemed friendly, sensitive, and without airs, and I liked how the conversation was going.

And hence began an open, free-flowing conversation between the both of us. Let me tell you it was not easy in conversing with me. I had to balance this time with 22 hours of work that I had piled up and plus occasionally avoiding his messages. He took it with entire grace, letting go of the fact that I ignored his messages, conversing with eager tone every time we spoke

A Brewing Connection

By the time we were 2-3 weeks old, we had exchanged 12,770 words over Whatsapp. That’s 919 speech bubbles in 16 days, making it an average of 57 bubbles per day. While we initially messaged each other a few times a day, it gradually changed to once every few hours, to every hour, and finally to every few minutes.

Continuous Messaging… Wanting to Hear From Him

I can’t explain why we were messaging so much. For me, I didn’t intend to communicate with anyone especially after the heartbreak. I just wanted to be in the moment I was and enjoy my singlehood, which I did. I actually used to put many friends’ messages on hold , with the intention to respond once I got back.

However, M had this sensitivity and sincerity that made me keen to hear from him and share more about me.

He would read every single one of my messages carefully (even when I was typing large volumes of text), absorb and fully understand all I have said, then respond to them in very sharp detail, something which not everyone can do (they either gloss over what you write and give a brief reply or they don’t even register everything you have typed because they are simply not that observant).

He always included questions in his responses, which gave me a reason to continue messaging and share about myself. (Some people only talk but don’t ask anything, so the conversation ends after a short while)

He would make an effort to know about me, such as asking me what I was doing for the day, checking out my articles, asking me about my work, and asking further questions about whatever topic we were talking about.

He was very kind and caring. He would tell me not to reply whenever I had limited phone credits left. He would tell me to clothe myself well.He would also intentionally watch the clock and hold off messaging me until I was awake every day because he didn’t want to wake me up with his messages. Who even does that these days??

His caringness also extended towards others. For example, he took time to spend with this parents . (I don’t do that; actually I don’t even know what my parents’ wedding anniversary date is. I suck.)  These are just some of the many caring things about him I had observed.

He was also very reliable. I could always expect his responses within a few hours, if not minutes (usually the latter as we began messaging more frequently). He was a stark contrast from the flippant guys I had met in the past who leave you wondering when/if they were going to text you. If he ever took longer than usual to reply, he would explain why that was the case (e.g., long meeting, was taking a nap, or was with a friend), even though I never asked nor expected him to do so. M was a nice change, a very nice change from what I had come to expect from my past experiences

A Strong Emotional Bond… Hampered by My Fears

It was obvious that an emotional bond was brewing (a strong one at that).

Here stands a sensitive, kind, reliable, patient, sweet, and empathetic guy, I thought. If I were to give a score, M was easily scoring tops (A+++) in just emotional quotient alone. His kindness and sensitivity were at a level which I had never seen in any other guy before.

Whether this brewing bond was platonic or romantic — I didn’t know. For all I know, he can well be a player, I thought. I also thought that he could just be a nice guy who wasn’t interested but was simply being, well, nice.

There were fears which I had to break through and a five-round intensive interrogation which M had to pass before we could get together.

Proceed to Part 3: Addressing My Inner Demons, where I share the inner resistances I had to break through before I would get together with M.

Personal Fears I Had to Address

As M and I grew closer, I contemplated many times whether to close him off. These thoughts had nothing to do with him and everything to do with myself.

Thought #1: “Is He a Player?”

My first thought was wondering if M was a player. Why? Because he seemed too good to be true.

In the first few days we started messaging, M mentioned that he was a party guy.  That threw me off as the first thing that came in my mind was for booze, sleazy pickups, “meaty” contact, and sexual trysts.

Why would he party so often? Will he picking up girls every other night? I wondered. Am I one of the many girls he is messaging right now?

I was also wary about how nice and friendly he was. This could either mean that (a) he was very kind and sensitive (which would make him a real catch) or (b) he was some super smooth player who knew how to work his way around girls because he had seen one girl too many.

(b) seemed more likely thought.

Surely he has no trouble meeting girls, courting them, and winning their hearts, I thought.

My conclusion was that he was probably a player and I was just one of the many girls he was messaging.

So a few days after we began messaging back and forth, I stopped responding. :/ I didn’t want to be one of the many girls he was hitting on. I didn’t want to be another girl in his messaging list. I didn’t want to be disregarded as a woman, void of my value.

I didn’t want to be hurt again.

It didn’t help that our connection started from a trivial “hi”. If our connection can be formed from something as simple as a “hi”, what’s to say that he isn’t forming such connections with other girls right now? I was skeptical of the strength of our connection though I seriously doubted he could recreate it with any other girl.

So bent on believing that he wasn’t interested that I held back at first.

I tried not to pay too much attention to his messages. I assumed he was a nice guy who would drop out of my life one day. Maybe this is just a phase, I thought.

I ignored signs which suggested interest. An example is the extent to which we were chatting — he would message me quite readily and frequently throughout the day. Many people, especially grown men in their early 30s, do not message this much unless it’s with someone of importance to them (or they have no life). I simply assumed that M was chatting this much with multiple other girls and I wasn’t the only one. (Sweat smilie)

I also assumed that his messages, however nice, were frivolous niceties he would say to anyone else.

For every nice thing he said, I would assume he was playing lip service. For every nice thing he did, I would downplay it as something he would do to any other girl/person. I was my biggest devil advocate, shooting down everything which suggested that this nice guy might actually be interested in small little me.

However, I gradually realized that just like with my first fear, I was jeopardizing our connection by being a skeptic.

Firstly, regardless of his interest, I felt that he was a nice person and I liked our exchanges.Romance aside, this is a connection I want to further, I thought. Even if it’s purely platonic, I want to build on our connection. Whether things would turn romantic was totally irrelevant.

Next, given that every connection is organically created by its constituents and I’m one half of our connection, by constantly thinking that he wasn’t interested, I could well be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, by turning a blind eye to all his niceties and treating him as just a friend, he could lose interest after a while even if he was interested in the first place. I would then be my own sabotager.

Not wanting to affect the natural course of events, I started following my heart and letting it lead the way. I began opening up by responding more promptly and openly. I began sharing more of my real self by sharing more of my daily activities and personal opinions.

I began to do special things like to look forward to his messages every day like a little girl.

By then, it was clear that M isn’t a player, he was on top of his reliable, honest, and empathetic responses to all my text messages every day for the past three weeks.

The partying concern I had originally had also been addressed early on, as M revealed (in our natural conversation) that he parties because he is genuinely interested in music

By then though, I was freaking the **** out of my life.

Because for the first time in my life, I was closer to a relationship than I had ever been. I was no longer dealing with an emotionally unavailable guy nor a guy who wasn’t a match with what I was looking for. Neither was I not interested in the guy (which was usually my barrier to getting attached).

For the first time in my life, I had no excuse to remain single.

The Fear of Finally Getting into a Relationship

I have already addressed a truck load of issues in the past few years of my growth journey, from inferiority with my femininity, being afraid to intimidate men, not recognizing my physical beauty,body image issues, emotional eating, grievances of my parents, to issues with being ignored.

Processing these issues have helped me to grow as a human/woman. They have also helped me to get closer to a conscious relationship.

But being attached? That I didn’t know. I had no reference point except from couple friends and shows/movies. Even then those are not my personal experiences; those are others’.

M had not asked me to be his girlfriend at this point, but that didn’t stop me from freaking out. I knew that we were going to head this way soon if I didn’t put a stopper to things.

Soon after the “interrogations” happened over Whatsapp, phone, and in-person conversation. Sweat smilieEach session usually lasted an hour, sometimes an hour and a half. I would stop whenever I got the answers I needed for the day, chew over the responses he gave me, then return the next day with more questions.

Final-Round Interview :)

By then M had already answered a truckload of questions,

M had allayed all of my fears and reservations with his patient and forthcoming answers and had helped me to move to the next step of our connection. :)

A New Phase of Our Relationship; A Place of Uncertainty

While we had gotten together, I wasn’t sure how things would work out since this was a new phase in our connection.

I told M to view our new status as experimental and he was free to leave if he realized at any point that this relationship wasn’t what he was looking — same for me as well. I didn’t want either of us to feel like we needed to stay attached just because of our new labels of “girlfriend” and ‘boyfriend”.

I didn’t know if our relationship would last and how long it would go, even though he is definitely my best match I had met my entire life. I was prepared to go all the way to make things work out, but at the same time I didn’t want to force things if there were fundamental issues (despite all my grilling to uncover them).

It wouldn’t be long before I realized that this guy is actually the one for me forever.

First 24 Hours After Getting Together

After M and I got together, I wasn’t too sure where things would go. I was happy that we were attached but I didn’t know what to expect with our new relationship status.

My plan was to take things slow. So much so that I shied away from telling anyone about our relationship, save for two close friends.

M’s Sweetness

M’s excitement, forthcoming and child-like attitude towards our relationship was (and still remains) very sweet. While most guys play things cool or hide their feelings, I wasnt like that at all.

I was so excited about our relationship that I couldn’t hold back from telling all my close friends, family, and relatives that day. While getting attached used to be just an “okay, that’s it” event to him, he was also thoroughly excited by us getting together — something he had never felt before with any other girl.

(M had been in quite a number of relationships before and had seen his fair share of girls, to the point where he just stayed single after years of consecutive relationships. He just didn’t feel a need to be attached again anymore, until we met again.)

He referred to himself as being “truly in love” for the first time: a feeling he might have thought he knew before, only to realize he never did until we got together.

I was warmed by M’s love and enthusiasm. I loved his sensitivity, reliability, kindness, caringness, patience, and sweetness. He was a guy I could see myself with in life because of his emotional openness, big heart, and genuine care towards me.

In our early Whatsapp chats, we tended to chat about daily mundanes and what we were up to. It seemed normal since we were just reacquainting.

 

This was especially because we were actually very highly compatible on the other three areas that make up the ethos of our existence: emotional, physical, and spiritual.

Emotionally, M is beyond what I could have ever asked for. I had always wanted someone kind: M is not only kind, but also sensitive, reliable, open, caring, empathetic, patient, and sweet.

Physically, M is again beyond what I could have asked for. My physical criteria for guys had always been to be (a) at least my height (1.6 m) and (b) presentable-looking. M beat those criteria to a pulp by being 1.81 m tall, well-built, charming, good-looking, and takes care to dress himself well.

Spiritually, M is also a match. We began to dream about each other within weeks of reacquainting; I also felt increasingly drawn to him as we spent more time chatting, which I could only explain as a soul-level connection. I knew that this spiritual bond would only get stronger as we got closer.

I didn’t feel that I needed someone who 100% matched me on all four levels. That’s probably impossible, I thought. I can always turn to my more intellectual friends if I ever need mental stimulation. I figured I could just settle for a 20–30% mental connection with M and celebrate our 100% connection on the other levels.

Maybe the mental aspect of me is something I’ll never get to share fully with my partner. 

That was what I surmised.

A Surprise

Bedtime Phone Chat

M was waiting for me for our usual bedtime phone chat. I was working on some stuff then, so he patiently waited for me to finish before calling.

Turned out that I was only done at 4am (very typical of me <.<). While I wanted him to sleep as he had to work the next day, M still wanted to chat a bit before turning in. So we did.

During the call, we updated each other on our day besides what we had already shared on Whatsapp earlier. We drifted into random topics, from his job, to my previous job, to his friends, to my friends. Our conversation was both constructive and emotional rewarding as it would usually be.

Into the Conversation

Somewhere along the call, I started sharing a deeper-level perspective to something we were discussing. Something about worldviews, life philosophies, and the importance of assuming control over external variables in one’s life to live a more fruitful life.

I wasn’t sure why I did that actually; we had never chatted at that level before. Our conversations were usually more discussions about people, things, events, and ourselves — never life philosophies, worldviews, intellectual theories, or ideologies.

I expected that M would not comprehend the depth of what I just said and he would respond with a casual remark, something which I would have been okay with. After all, that’s the kind response I get in my day-to-day conversations with people, since not everyone thinks in the same way I do (and I don’t expect them to either).

Beyond My Wildest Imagination

To my surprise, M actually picked up on my comment. In a voice different and more serious-sounding than his usual one, he began to address my viewpoint and offer an perspective and argument alternate to mine.

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I was surprised. Did I just hear him right? I thought. Vocal similarities aside, this person sounded completely different from the person I had been chatting with for the past few weeks.

Slightly confused, I nonetheless responded with a build on my stance along with an analysis and detailed elaboration, while addressing his points. I thought our conversation was going to draw to a close now because the discussion was now heading into a level which I rarely, if ever, speak to people at.

To my surprise again, M promptly responded again, this time building on his perspective further and supporting it with the same detail in elaboration and providing his own analogies, while addressing my points. This back-and-forth exchange went on for quite a few more rounds.

 

 

Realizing M is “The One”

Subsequently, many things happened rapidly in the next few weeks which made me realize — beyond any reason of doubt — that M is the one for me.

If I was to explain in terms of our overall relationship dynamics,

  • M loves me for who I am, completely. He constantly tells me he loves me, how I’m perfect and the only woman he’ll ever want for the rest of his life, and how he loves everything about me: from my looks, to my personality, to my work. For example, while I don’t see myself as being more successful than him, he told me before that he loves the fact that I’m a strong and confident woman
  • He cares for me with every ounce of his soul.
    • The look of anxiousness on his face over anything concerning me — you will never see this look on anyone except say, your next-of-kin. And he never gets fazed by anything else, being a highly calm and composed person (maybe because of his build and past martial arts training).
    • He fusses over me 24/7 and takes care of my every need: from making sure that I have my lunch to tucking me into bed every night, to pouring a glass of water. And I have never asked him to do them; he just does because: “I just like taking care of you,” he says.
        • How much I matter to him. One time early on in our relationship, when we saw each other, upon seeing me, his face changed from shock, to surprise, to 100% pure joy, all in one instant. In fact, he was so happy that he started blushing and getting a little teary. I was taken aback. It made me realize, Hey, I really matter to him.
      • He is always there for me rain or shine, night or day. Just some examples:
        • One time I was feeling upset about something. He immediately came to see me , because “I just don’t want you to go through this alone.”
        • The times I was sick, he was by my side 24/7 taking care of me, feeding me.
        • He accompanied me to my doctor all the way to the hospital and waited for me at the lobby until I was done (each treatment would be over one hour), before bringing me home.
      • We can talk non-stop to each other about anything. From uttering complete nonsense, to bantering frivolously, to engaging in intellectual debates, we can just go on and on and on without stopping. There are often times when we lay on the bed chatting all through the night, only to realize morning is already here and we have not slept. When we are out or at home and not working, we would be just talking all the time about anything in the world. Talking aside, we can also be completely at ease being silent and just enjoying each other’s company. This is a kind of connection you do not find with anyone in the world, even if both of you have the intention to build a connection.
      • He is completely open with his emotions. No hiding, no closing off, no emotional unavailability. M wears his heart on his sleeve with me.
      • We can be our natural selves with each other.
        • While we may have to self-monitor our behavior a little or exude a slightly different persona with others, with each other we are just totally ourselves. We can be goofy with each other, talk seriously, sound off whatever is on our mind (even the unhappy things), and be each other’s confidants.
        • And by goofy, I mean really crazy wacked out  behavior. Just the icing on the cake:
            • He repeatedly affirms his love for me, even though I don’t need it. He’s always telling me every day that I’m his perfect woman, his soulmate; that we’ll be together forever; and I’m his one and only, the only person he ever wants to be in this lifetime, the next lifetime, and all other lifetimes till the end of time.
          • We resolve conflicts right away. Like anyone building a a close connection, we have conflict comments, though uncommon. When we do, we never leave the issues hanging for long. We resolve them right away, and we don’t just address them on the surface too: we deep dive and address the root cause(s).
          • He has made huge changes in his life because he wants the best for me. Note that I have never asked nor expected him to make any of these changes; he has made them because he chose to and he wanted to. For example:
            • Became more family oriented: He spends a lot lesser time on other activities now because he prefers spending time together with me. He tidies his room (he never cared to before) because he wants to create a homely environment for me.
            • Because of our seamless match, our relationship flows very easily: it forges itself without us trying to do anything.
            • A Soul-level Connection

              While three months may seem short to many in Earth time, we feel like we are old souls who have known each other forever. M and I believe we knew each other from a previous lifetime (at least one; could be more). Our lives have seamlessly blended into one another’s, to the point where we now operate as one unit while having our independent lives and thoughts.

              Looking back, too many things match up to the point where we suspect our relationship was planned right from the start, even before we were even born. I believe our spirit guides nudged us into place to make it happen.

              • Twin flames, also called twin souls, are literally the other half of our soul. We each have only one twin, and generally after being split the two went their separate ways, incarnating over and over to gather human experience before coming back together. Ideally, this happens in both of their last lifetimes on the planet so they can ascend together.

                Each twin is a complete soul, not half a soul. It is their task to become more whole, balancing their female and male sides, and ideally become enlightened, before reuniting with their twin. This reunion is of two complete and whole beings. All other relationships through all our lives could be said to be “practice” for the twin, the ultimate relationship.

                 

My baby in heaven

Understand this, Baby, we all die. Every one of us is born and every one of us gets buried. The time we have on the planet is unpredictable and constructed by luck. We get many privileges and blessings we don’t earn.

My baby, understand this, I loved each and every moment of you. From the time I have come to know you were inside me till the time you blissfully left. I was shattered, broken from the inside,  I did not want to move on further

Understand this, Baby, I’m sorry you weren’t born from my body. I never carried you for 9 months. With my hands on my stomach smiling with each kick. That just was me. The thought of my belly expanding, of my muscles bracing for the final push, to give way for 8 pounds of part me/part him to bleed into the world, I couldn’t be more excited with the image of your screaming face seared into my eyelids and ear drums.

However baby, I couldn’t do it. My body had tried but I knew I was not strong enough to carry you. I  learned to love my body so I could invite you in. My joy is dug from the thought of you makes my hands sweat, made my my lungs collapse. There are many mothers with babies and I so wanted to be one of them

When I am insane, I will write long letters to the baby I will never have

How is it like to be the “Other Woman”

As I sat down in the midst of the pile of the work that I have, a sudden loneliness had crept through my mind. I was asked to describe how is it feel to be the “other woman” with a married man whom you loved and will love the most. I decided to share my personal experiences .

I am not married to him but I am assured that it will be an isolated feeling,

Having gone through this situation with my dad, where he remarried and having seen my step mother go through the isolation is enough to speak volumes of  discouragement and resentment, something that I still see her going through, given the fact that she realised looking at us , how has her role impacted on our parents while bringing us up.

Although, we can be called , the “Homebreaker” but the truth is that no feeling of excitement can tantamount to the first look when you see him coming home, being with you, something you have not felt with any other man in your life.  The truth is that I feel like I am his queen, not for the whole world but only for this entire being. His efforts are geared towards your life.

But I guess for us girls, coming in from the strong family backgrounds, this matters a lot. A loving mother in law or a father in law? yes a mother in law to support you of how you run the household, a sister in law perhaps since I had no sister, I will like her to be one where we can share the girly gossips and run on shopping sprees together

I know now that I am not alone in the way that I feel, and married men might want to consider my words in dealing with the ups and downs they face with their second women in their lives.

 Leaving the Past in the Past

Often, however much effort we might make towards the goal of leaving our past in our past, we are always haunted by it. Sometimes I will feel angry and annoyed, sometimes I fight with emotions. Words that echo in my mind and past events that brings nothing but pain. Words said kept circling my mind and I am filled with anger always being  fearful of the raised voice that always and always accompanies a meltdown.

Or worse, we remember with a mixture of disgust and fondness particularly enjoyable encounters with the ex. Maybe it is the a random trip that is recalled so fondly, or perhaps we still have a close relationship with our former in-laws.

There are many emotions that are significant to married life. Men, in particular, associate sex with affection and receive an incredible emotional satisfaction from the sexual pleasure their women receive during their intimate times. Also recalled may be the anger from a particular fight, or the betrayal. In many cases, every stab to his heart that he experienced during his marriage is buried deeply and has yet to be dealt with in an effective and appropriate manner.

These bits and pieces come to the surface every now and again in many second marriages. Some past issues need to be dealt with gently and firmly. Your Man’s relationship with his first wife can affect his relationship with you in a very profound way.

Hidden Resentment

The foremost resentment of feeling of being his second pick.

Plus I know for the fact, that I will never be introduced to his family, will not go to his place, where he was brought up, his parents might not be happy to see me let alone talk.

I know for a fact that I will never be introduced to his closest friends, or friends, colleagues

It is a reality that first wives have the perks to , being entitled to him, his family, his friends, the honor of his family.

One of the things that has been hardest for me as the “other woman” (I keep calling myself that coz I am , there is nothing I can do to replace his first wife and why should I even make an effort to, my place is my place in his life)  is the fact that my hubster (the way I call him) and had children before he met me. There are two children from his first marriage. He had been through the pregnancy and birth process two times before he met me.

I might have a hidden resentment, if ever I became pregnant, I might be met with a nod and a shrug. My pregnancy may not be special: since he had seen it all before. He would not want to feel what is inside me , run his hands over my tummy and feel the pride a man has in his woman bearing a child.

In fact, when he will introduce me to his friends , he would talk excitedly about his oldest two children without introducing me or announcing my pregnancy. I will feel like a fifth wheel, with his oldest children, parents and his first wife taking priority in his life.

I will take a back burner and my future children will take a back burner

 

Many second wives and other women feel this way. We are hurt when our husbands seem to take less interest in our pregnancies (they’ve seen it before and are pretty sure that we aren’t as fragile as we would like them to believe). We miss the tears in their eyes when our first child is born. We miss the expected excitement. We are sometimes angered when our in laws don’t come around at all to see the new baby.

They’ve seen it before. Sometimes they even think he shouldn’t remarry or have more children.

Bitterness can built, if how often we are neglected. .

Second Doesn’t Mean Second Best

A second wife  or the “other woman” might ask of herself  what it was about the first that he loved. She might even feel as though he has been unfaithful to her, in spite of the fact that the “other woman” was his wife! Even if he doesn’t, she might compare herself to his ex. She might even worry that if he lost interest in his first wife that he will also lose interest in her. This can be most self-depreciating just like the way your family puts it, if he has left her , he can leave you.

This is especially complicated if there is a support disorder. If the man is unable to support her , she may become very resentful of the first wife.

During her entire journey, she will sometimes doubt herself, and she may find that she regrets having become involved with her husband in the first place. This will come around a lot many times and this is only natural for what she feels

True relationship with him

Whatever defies the logic, what defines our relationship is the relationship that define my existence .. my very reason of being alive. I still prefer to be his last rather than to be no one to him at all.

 

It’s My Story

I don’t like being a “second”.  My husband will be first, and I know that we both live with the regrets of the past. Me being in the past of abusive relationships and him having a past of his betrayal.  We are both hurt greatly from time to time and each of us question ourselves.

I am a “second” and it isn’t easy. For those of you who remarry, male or female, give your spouse everything that you have, and strive to never, ever make them feel like a “second.”

I am angry and its happening again

Since last night, I’ve been fighting emotions. Words that echo in my mind and past events that brings nothing but pain. Words said kept circling my mind and I was filled with anger. I’m still filled with hurt and anger today.

However, it’s not about LIFE MUST GO ON. It’s about understanding your pain and accepting the things that can’t be changed. To see what you have in front of you that is of value and hold firmly onto it.

I have a duty to take care of , my mother, myself  to take care of myself 

While I fight emotions and bad memories with prayer and internal strength, I am wishing you all enough strength to stand firm after a fall. To hang in there and don’t look back. To keep a positive mind in the worse situations. To NEVER give up even if it scrapes every inch of your skin in trying to get up from the ground.

I’m not perfect. No one is. Don’t keep looking at your “picture perfect” friends and family on social media and assume they’ve got it all made. No one really has it all good. They just don’t show their negative sides. So you assume they’re perfect and then take it out on yourself.

It’s ok to be flawed, I am. It’s ok to hurt, I do. It’s ok to feel a dark cloud above you, I’m feeling it at the moment. But it’s NOT ok to give up on what will help you rise.

Therefore, rise! Yes, rise! Get up and do anything that’ll help you towards your betterment. That’s how you win in life, to RISE after falling.

I hope you all have a blessed Friday and a beautiful weekend ahead.

 

How I wish RIP meant Return if possible

I lost my father on a dreadful day of April 7, 2014

Everything changed since then. Our world turned upside down. It was more or less like I saw the world change around me, all of a sudden the air felt like acid, the earth shook and the sky tore apart. Everyone who we trusted with our heart and soul turned our backs on us. That’s when I started to notice how filtered was everything what our dad told us.

It was a blur memory, but I remember every single detail. I got nightmares, I saw him in each one. I never told anyone. I heard him calling my name, I saw his grave, the only thing I did was to cry when I came to know he isn’t alive was when I did. It’s like this ocean of memories, bad times and good times hit you in the face, that’s when I cried. That’s it.

I remember my bare hands picking him up when we realized he is not breathing, my brother and I picked him up and put him gently in the car. I was bare foot, in my pjs barely knowing what is happening, all I wanted was for my dad to wake up.

When the ambulance carried him back to our place, I cried my heart out, I wanted to tear my soul and scream his name and ask him to come back. How I wanted him to open his eyes, only I knew , I prayed for a miracle for him to wake up and tell me everything is going to be fine.

When he was brought inside the house, I could not do much till they took him away. All I did was to sit beside him, caressing his fingers, the fingers which had held me when I was sick, the fingers which had wiped my tears, which gave me strength whenever he patted on my back, the fingers he used to run through my hair , the fingers which then lay there cold. He felt cold beneath my fingers. I hated every second.

I did not want anyone to disturb me, people were thronging at our place in mobs. I did not notice anyone except for the fact how my father lay in peace

I showed no emotions in front of anyone then, cried myself to sleep every night. It all took me in this vortex of suicidal thoughts, feeling as if I go too, maybe it won’t hurt as much as it is right now. On the day of his janaza, I wanted to be buried alive right next to him, I wanted to be with him, even if it meant buried alive with him.

During the course of the year, I was depressed, could not pull myself out of  bed, pill abused myself. I self harmed. I tried to stop but you kind of go into this frenzy. I saw our family disown us in front of my eyes.

And all I could say was I hate you dad. I hate you for going, what have you done. You left a shattered wife who was scared every time someone called her a widow, two three daughters and two sons , one of whom was about to become a father , and we cried because you could not even watch him become a man.

I remember how fond you were of children, especially those in the family. Now that the time had come for you to see your own grandchildren, you decided to walk out of this world.

I felt cheated, you were there for everyone else, and when the time was right, I could not even have a feeling of you being there for even a year.

The time passed, 2 years later. Here we are. I moved from our city, I became stronger.

I made our weakness our strength, became fearless, for I feared death or pain for my mothers. I build myself up.

I stopped self harm, I stopped letting the negative thoughts in, I started finding my happiness. Made some very few friends, who made me have faith in myself.

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Although this does not sound as easy as writing about it here, I suffered through almost everything that came my way. I fell in love that too with the wrong person at the wrong time, suffered through work. I did not know when to say no and when to say yes, because I missed my mentor all along. His frail memories were all I held on to. I could only remember him saying, “this too shall pass”.

Now that I have started to come to terms, of what I have and what I have lost, I fairly realize that no matter how big a tragedy your life has become, may this is all what life is all about.

Dad used to say that life is all a matter of adjustments, I had never imagined that we will be going through the toughest test our times that not only etched our hears in fact scarred our souls too.

We have to let the pain consume us first, it’ll drown you at first. As slowly and gradually as we learn how to swim, we have to find solace in the fact that our dad is watching over us and have to find our happiness. Happiness as they say never comes on its own, it comes from within yourself, how you make yourself out of the situation.

Push the negative thoughts back, don’t let them in. And mostly give it time. Because this utterly gorgeous woman; my mother of mine once said ‘waqt acha ho, ya bura. Yeh waqt bhi guzar Jaye ga (Whether the time is good or bad, it flies)’.

I miss you as much I miss myself when you were around

As I celebrate Eid this year again, I feel a sense of loss and pain indescribable as I look at his heart warming pictures, his empty bed and even his empty chair

They say time heals every wound and eid is the moment when we rejoice amidst the presence of our loved ones. The day passes by with the memories, tearful eyes, and a broken heart with the wish that they were still there. It is a known fact, that you are never ready for your parents to leave your side, let alone this entire world. Their memories are so beautifully etched within your soul that you are never ready to not having them by your side.

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Dear Dad,

It is the third Eid I am celebrating without you. This year, I decided not to go back and visit you since everytime I visit Lahore, I am in turmoil of my thoughts about you and miss you so much that I hurts. I visit your family, your relatives and friends in the hope that they miss you as much as I do, cherish your memories.

However, with every visit to Lahore, the void that I feel with you gone, keeps getting bigger and bigger. The plethora of the thoughts of you leaving us, how I felt helpless when we were trying to breath life into you comes back with haunting memories.

I wish the good memories we have replace the aweful and soul shaking experience I had of you when you left. It indeed felt like the earth shook for us and the sky fell apart. Maybe it is normal for every human being to face this at the time of the death of their parents or maybe I felt it more since I always took you being there for granted. Minutes before you left, I was there by the side not to offer the consolation but for the help I needed the most at that time. Little did I realize what you were going through. I wish for that night to be back and for me to notice what were you going through and take you to the hospital instantly.

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I realized with every inch of my body, all the mistakes I made. Little things I did to make you sad . I was your little girl back then too, adjusting to the idea of having you around, feeling your presence and asking you whatever I needed.

How much I pray for your forgiveness only Allah can let you know, how I wish I was cut into pieces a million times before hurting you with my words and actions. I was lucky to ask forgiveness from you but I do know it was not heartfelt.

Days have turned into months, yet the space that you left behind is as dark as the pall of gloom that descended some 3 years ago. Every corner in the house makes me feel your presence.

Life does moves on , however every passing day a bit of me wants to be with you, hear your voice, wants you to stand with me and say I am here, I know you are there , but this feeling of loneliness engulfs my soul like a fiercely raging fire the flames of which cannot be abated.

Your benevolence and exuberance was a match for anyone.

I remember the last time at Anum’s wedding, the first time we gathered for a family photo with one less, and every time since, we can all feel your  absence so strongly and I know how much sadness with curtail over us, once your  grandchild makes his way into this world again later next month.

The first time I did something that I knew you would be proud of and I had to feel your pride in my heart because I couldn’t hear it in your voice or see it in your eyes. The times when I need to ask you a question and you aren’t here to give the answer that only you knew.

I’ve come to realize that when someone you love dies, you don’t just have to say goodbye to him at the time he passes away but also at every crossroad.  I’ve discovered that there are endless firsts and tough moments to get through, not just obvious ones like holidays and big events, but many others that are equally if not more challenging to struggle through under the heavy blanket of grief.

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I just cant love you enough even after you are gone . I hope this angelic face of yours would have a big smile right now as it did when you were here

Love you

Mash

My firsts without him

As children, we look forward to firsts – the first day of school, the first time to ride a bike without training wheels, the first time to go on a date, the first time to drive a car.

Firsts seem happy and are something we treasure.  But, somewhere along the line, we suffer a loss, and we have to adjust.  And then the firsts that come can bring about a sadness and tears in your eyes that are hard to shake.

And so as we travel through the forest of firsts and other challenging moments in the midst of our shock and our sadness, we are forced to let go, one finger at a time.  For me, the milestones have been hard, but some of the most difficult things to get past so far for me have been the ones I didn’t see coming.

Topping the list are The Flashback Moments. The first time I went to visit someone in the hospital after leaving the one with my dad and knowing he wouldn’t be coming back.  In the elevator when I was visiting my friend that day, I almost had a panic attack when the flashback hit, and the unexpected flood of emotions that swept through me was shockingly debilitating. Continue reading My firsts without him

Three years and still struggling to move on

Three years later, and here I am .
It’s not a constant, overwhelming, consuming grief, but the little things, within which grief hides, that always hit me when I least expect it.
For instance now there are frequently questions when you meet someone new, and based on the majority of my experiences, these questions are typically asked by curious, or trying-to-be-polite, people. Today I came across someone just like them, who asked how are my parents doing . Now I always hesitate to consider my answer.
I typically responded by stating how is my Mom doing. Still, just like many people, he completed my answer with “…and your Dad?”
Till to-date, I deliberately neglect to mention that he is no more with us and would simply say what he used to do. So I quickly added “He is no more with us.” The reality does strike like a thunder, I must admit.
Of course, the instant I released these words into the air, I saw the change on the person’s face. Just like others, he quickly tried to smooth his stunned expression and mutter an “I’m sorry.” Then, in an almost ironic way, I consoled him, letting him know that it’s OK—I’m OK.
 It still hurts to my core , when I have to mention as Late against his name as my father’s name. and I am thinking damn who created these forms /applications whatsoever.
There’s something incredibly bittersweet about these accomplishments or even failures, knowing that my Dad’s not here to enjoy them with me or mentor me all along. Even though he was not there most of the time , since he was always out of country, however he did make an effort to talk to me or discuss openly about it .
My Dad was the proud, brag-about-your-kids type of man being at the front and center of every gathering, and cheering at the end of the day. Now, if I have something major event happening in my life, I have a moment of longing, wishing he could be here to see what I’ve done and know the person I’ve become
Life moves on , however there are days when I feel like it was just yesterday that he left, and I lose the will to move on but other times, I feel as if it has been a lifetime.
See I understand, I’m still learning it’s not as easy as people make it seem to be. It doesn’t matter how old you or when one of your parents are no more with us , their passing is indeed one of the most difficult things in the world to deal with.
People tend to hold in their emotions while in front of others. They seem to think that they need to be strong for others. I know I’ve done this for my mother , I don’t think anyone has seen me cry over his loss recently. If I am around people and my father is brought up, I’ll put on a strong face, and even a smile, and talk about him lovingly. But then I may need to rush to the bathroom to let go of the tears in private.
I wonder if this is still normal, kind of strange isn’t it ?