I miss you as much I miss myself when you were around

As I celebrate Eid this year again, I feel a sense of loss and pain indescribable as I look at his heart warming pictures, his empty bed and even his empty chair

They say time heals every wound and eid is the moment when we rejoice amidst the presence of our loved ones. The day passes by with the memories, tearful eyes, and a broken heart with the wish that they were still there. It is a known fact, that you are never ready for your parents to leave your side, let alone this entire world. Their memories are so beautifully etched within your soul that you are never ready to not having them by your side.

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Dear Dad,

It is the third Eid I am celebrating without you. This year, I decided not to go back and visit you since everytime I visit Lahore, I am in turmoil of my thoughts about you and miss you so much that I hurts. I visit your family, your relatives and friends in the hope that they miss you as much as I do, cherish your memories.

However, with every visit to Lahore, the void that I feel with you gone, keeps getting bigger and bigger. The plethora of the thoughts of you leaving us, how I felt helpless when we were trying to breath life into you comes back with haunting memories.

I wish the good memories we have replace the aweful and soul shaking experience I had of you when you left. It indeed felt like the earth shook for us and the sky fell apart. Maybe it is normal for every human being to face this at the time of the death of their parents or maybe I felt it more since I always took you being there for granted. Minutes before you left, I was there by the side not to offer the consolation but for the help I needed the most at that time. Little did I realize what you were going through. I wish for that night to be back and for me to notice what were you going through and take you to the hospital instantly.

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I realized with every inch of my body, all the mistakes I made. Little things I did to make you sad . I was your little girl back then too, adjusting to the idea of having you around, feeling your presence and asking you whatever I needed.

How much I pray for your forgiveness only Allah can let you know, how I wish I was cut into pieces a million times before hurting you with my words and actions. I was lucky to ask forgiveness from you but I do know it was not heartfelt.

Days have turned into months, yet the space that you left behind is as dark as the pall of gloom that descended some 3 years ago. Every corner in the house makes me feel your presence.

Life does moves on , however every passing day a bit of me wants to be with you, hear your voice, wants you to stand with me and say I am here, I know you are there , but this feeling of loneliness engulfs my soul like a fiercely raging fire the flames of which cannot be abated.

Your benevolence and exuberance was a match for anyone.

I remember the last time at Anum’s wedding, the first time we gathered for a family photo with one less, and every time since, we can all feel your  absence so strongly and I know how much sadness with curtail over us, once your  grandchild makes his way into this world again later next month.

The first time I did something that I knew you would be proud of and I had to feel your pride in my heart because I couldn’t hear it in your voice or see it in your eyes. The times when I need to ask you a question and you aren’t here to give the answer that only you knew.

I’ve come to realize that when someone you love dies, you don’t just have to say goodbye to him at the time he passes away but also at every crossroad.  I’ve discovered that there are endless firsts and tough moments to get through, not just obvious ones like holidays and big events, but many others that are equally if not more challenging to struggle through under the heavy blanket of grief.

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I just cant love you enough even after you are gone . I hope this angelic face of yours would have a big smile right now as it did when you were here

Love you

Mash

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